hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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