id be glad to
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
