I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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