i just sent this text using only my big toe
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
