If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
