Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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