I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
