Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
