I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
