3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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