I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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