Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
