Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize