Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize