all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
