Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
