It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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