checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just had sex on a roof
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
