i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
