Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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