Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
