how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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