I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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