Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
