Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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