bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
