Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
