i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
