I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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