you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
