So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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