woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i now understand why vodka
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize