just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
