I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
