We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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