I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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