Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
