well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's blow job season.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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