I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
