I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
