everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
