$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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