I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
