My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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