Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
