Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
