he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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