I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
