I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
