made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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