No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
