This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
