I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
