I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You're like the curious george of whores
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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