More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
