the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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